I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
