im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
