Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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