i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
