remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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