Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
