We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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