Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
