Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
