someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
