He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
