I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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