It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
