my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Thank you for not boning my boss.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
