i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
