i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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