I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
sarcasm needs its own font
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
