Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
