i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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