this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
