No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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