Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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