i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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