he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
