When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
