My cat gives me a boner
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
