I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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