"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My balls are so social today.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
