His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
