i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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