I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
im on a boat
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