I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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