Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The uberlube is also flammable
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
