12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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