Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
