I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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