Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
