I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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