i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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