I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
