I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
