Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
