I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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