I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
