you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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