I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
