you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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