Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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