My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
