I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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