hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
