he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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