I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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