...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
