I want to walk on stilts...naked
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
